Some people make Christianity about what we must do for God. That's the main focus, and when you are consistently in an environment like this anxiety, fear, and depression is sure to follow to some degree. We live in a world that already puts the pressure on us from the moment we are born to do more, and be more, and then instead of relief when we discover God, the same pressure is there from those in the church.
I remember constantly evaluating myself to see if I was devoted enough and doing enough of the Lord's work. I would compare myself to others who seemed to be serving, serving, serving, and looking like they were enjoying every moment of it. "Why didn't I have a desire to do as much as they do," I'd ask myself. Then the things I would do didn't seem to give me the fulfillment everyone else seemed to have.
I realize now, of course, that it is about Jesus doing everything for me. It is first and foremost about His sacrifice, His obedience, His performance, His suffering that was all for me.
The reason I did not enjoy what I was doing is because I was doing things that were opposite of my unique design. He made me so unique, with things I am good at, and have a natural passion for, and I am most fulfilled when I do and serve in those capacities. It's not to say that I can't or won't serve others in ways I am not particularly the best at, or I don't enjoy as much. I most certainly do this, I just know now, I don't have to compare and think there is something wrong with me when I am feeling this way. I also was doing things out of a religious obligation.
I don't have to prove my devotion to God. He is not moved by devotion, but by love. I focus on His devotion to me, which produces a natural love response towards Him. I want to do things with Him, rather than for Him. I can rest because I have nothing to prove.
As I began to come out of performacism, the pressure I felt began to relieve itself. There are still days that I go into that thinking, and I feel the pressure returning, but I don't stay there for days and days like I used to. He gives me some kind of reminder that I don't have to live from that mindset anymore. I am free from performance to get my worth and value because He is the One who has declared my worth and value. He declares it for you too!
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